
Hi everyone. Meet my Gossiping Grandmothers...Agnes and Doris. They never shut up. I just got off the toilet and confirmed with many of my esteemed sources that Dion Phaneuf will soon be traded to the Leafs within in the next 24-48 hours. I am hearing that at least 2 first round picks will be going to the Flames as soon as Burke can acquire them. This should not be a problem because lets face it...Brian Burke can do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants. Burke has truculence and belligernace. How do I know this? He told me. The Flames are in dire need of a shake-up. For the past 2 years, Dion Phaneuf has been a cancer. I knew this all along and everyone told me to F off. Well I was right all along. Often Dion would be caught in the Flames dressing room all by himself with none of his teammates even there. So what if it was at 6 AM on a non-game day. He was still ALONE in the Flames dressing room. THIS IS NOT A DRILL FOLKS. DION PHANEUF WILL SOON BE A TORONTO MAPLE LEAF. THIS IS HIGHLY IMMINENT...No more to come later...P4
All you Gossiping Grandmonthers out there need to remember that I am a know nothing douchebag who makes everything I say up from my ass. Nothing I say is true. Ok well I am hearing from at least 2 Gossiping Grandmothers that the Phoenix Coyotes may be moving to Seattle, Omaha or Tacoma. These 3 cities make so much sense. I visited all 3 of these cities when I was on vacation seeing my inlaws who were all barfing up oatmeal due to the Swine Flu. Even my own gossiping grandmother is ill. Due to this, I must increase my monthly subscription price to $2 million. It is very much worth it and I will mail you your very own Gossiping Grandmother t-shirt. It is made 100% of polyester signed by the Great Mike Richards. I have already promised the NHL that I will save all 3 of these new teams if they lose any money. P2
Hockey fans everywhere found out the other day that my tennis ball throwing hockey career ended due to concussions. Folks, I do not generally talk about traumatic times in my life which I have suffered. But since I rip all of you off and feel no shame, I am inclined to share why my fake hockey career ended. The first concussion came in the 1985 Stanley Cup Final where the Mike Keenan led Philly Flyers played the legendary Edmonton Oilers. The Flyers outplayed the Oilers the entire series and would have won if it had not been for shit luck. Much like when the Pens beat the Flyers in the playoffs last year. Well I was in my mom's basement and I was so into the game that my mom had to throw 76 tennis balls at my head to calm me down. I was so enthralled into what Tim Kerr and Ilka Sinisalo were doing that I could not calm down. Mom saved me that day but she also scarred my for life. P5
The second concussion came when my fake wife's fat ass fell on me at the beach in Margate, New Jersey. She weighs 500 pounds and the sheer impact of her left butt cheek hitting my fat face stung me like a horny queen bee on crack. I have not fully recovered since then and this is the main reason why I lack any comprehension skills whatsoever. For those wondering if I ever played any REAL hockey the answer is yes. I once made the Indianapolis Racers in the late 70s ahead of Wayne Gretzky but turned it down because of I already had a great career in basketball lined up. I could have played for the 76ers but I did not feel like it. Instead I began a crappy music group called the Grey Eye Glances and we still suck donkey balls to this day. So you see, I was the reason why Wayne Gretzky even had an NHL career. P3
Chris Ponger looks like he is 25 again. He is simply the most dominant defenseman of all time and is the early favourite to win the Norris Trophy. He may even win the Selke. Ponger simply GETS it and he has allowed the Great Mike Richards to be the leader of this great Flyers team. Ponger still can play another 10 seasons if he wants to. He may even spend some time at forward this year to make up for the loss of the Great Simon Gagne. The Flyers have so many great players it's scary. SCARY GOOD even. The Flyers can SCALR you at any given moment with their great SCALRNESSS. It's SIMPLY SCALR GOOD. Only the Canucks can SCALR the Flyers in a 7 game series. This is not a drill folks, you heard it here first. All you gossiping grandmonthers can kiss my ass. P5
Richard Park is the #1 most sought after player at the trade deadline this year. I am hearing to get him a team will have to trade their next 5 first round picks. This is so worth it though as a team can only have a very small window of competing for the Stanley Cup. I believe the Flyers will acquire Park but will only have to give up a 6th rounder. Only because a Flyers 6th rounder is worth more than any other team's first rounder. Seriously folks, WTF? This is not a drill and quit throwing tennis balls at my gossiping grandmother! She has tourettes syndrome for crying in the night! P5
Places Shania Twain wanted me to take her on a date before I rejected her because I already had a fake girlfriend...
Mud Wrestling Midget Madness with Theoren Fleury P5
Bryan Murray microphone spitting contest P4
Brian Burke Anger Management Therapy P3
Sloppy Second Sasquatch Hairy Women Night with Sean Avery P2
Captain Kangaroo Ken Hitchcock IHOP Relay P1
Here is a recent video of Eklund with one of his Gossiping Grandmothers. Enjoy...

