Phaneuf trade IMMINENT, Gossiping grandmothers, concussions ended my hockey career, Ponger/Park/Pitt updates...

Hi everyone. Meet my Gossiping Grandmothers...Agnes and Doris. They never shut up. I just got off the toilet and confirmed with many of my esteemed sources that Dion Phaneuf will soon be traded to the Leafs within in the next 24-48 hours. I am hearing that at least 2 first round picks will be going to the Flames as soon as Burke can acquire them. This should not be a problem because lets face it...Brian Burke can do whatever he wants WHENEVER he wants. Burke has truculence and belligernace. How do I know this? He told me. The Flames are in dire need of a shake-up. For the past 2 years, Dion Phaneuf has been a cancer. I knew this all along and everyone told me to F off. Well I was right all along. Often Dion would be caught in the Flames dressing room all by himself with none of his teammates even there. So what if it was at 6 AM on a non-game day. He was still ALONE in the Flames dressing room. THIS IS NOT A DRILL FOLKS. DION PHANEUF WILL SOON BE A TORONTO MAPLE LEAF. THIS IS HIGHLY IMMINENT...No more to come later...P4

All you Gossiping Grandmonthers out there need to remember that I am a know nothing douchebag who makes everything I say up from my ass. Nothing I say is true. Ok well I am hearing from at least 2 Gossiping Grandmothers that the Phoenix Coyotes may be moving to Seattle, Omaha or Tacoma. These 3 cities make so much sense. I visited all 3 of these cities when I was on vacation seeing my inlaws who were all barfing up oatmeal due to the Swine Flu. Even my own gossiping grandmother is ill. Due to this, I must increase my monthly subscription price to $2 million. It is very much worth it and I will mail you your very own Gossiping Grandmother t-shirt. It is made 100% of polyester signed by the Great Mike Richards. I have already promised the NHL that I will save all 3 of these new teams if they lose any money. P2

Hockey fans everywhere found out the other day that my tennis ball throwing hockey career ended due to concussions. Folks, I do not generally talk about traumatic times in my life which I have suffered. But since I rip all of you off and feel no shame, I am inclined to share why my fake hockey career ended. The first concussion came in the 1985 Stanley Cup Final where the Mike Keenan led Philly Flyers played the legendary Edmonton Oilers. The Flyers outplayed the Oilers the entire series and would have won if it had not been for shit luck. Much like when the Pens beat the Flyers in the playoffs last year. Well I was in my mom's basement and I was so into the game that my mom had to throw 76 tennis balls at my head to calm me down. I was so enthralled into what Tim Kerr and Ilka Sinisalo were doing that I could not calm down. Mom saved me that day but she also scarred my for life. P5

The second concussion came when my fake wife's fat ass fell on me at the beach in Margate, New Jersey. She weighs 500 pounds and the sheer impact of her left butt cheek hitting my fat face stung me like a horny queen bee on crack. I have not fully recovered since then and this is the main reason why I lack any comprehension skills whatsoever. For those wondering if I ever played any REAL hockey the answer is yes. I once made the Indianapolis Racers in the late 70s ahead of Wayne Gretzky but turned it down because of I already had a great career in basketball lined up. I could have played for the 76ers but I did not feel like it. Instead I began a crappy music group called the Grey Eye Glances and we still suck donkey balls to this day. So you see, I was the reason why Wayne Gretzky even had an NHL career. P3

Chris Ponger looks like he is 25 again. He is simply the most dominant defenseman of all time and is the early favourite to win the Norris Trophy. He may even win the Selke. Ponger simply GETS it and he has allowed the Great Mike Richards to be the leader of this great Flyers team. Ponger still can play another 10 seasons if he wants to. He may even spend some time at forward this year to make up for the loss of the Great Simon Gagne. The Flyers have so many great players it's scary. SCARY GOOD even. The Flyers can SCALR you at any given moment with their great SCALRNESSS. It's SIMPLY SCALR GOOD. Only the Canucks can SCALR the Flyers in a 7 game series. This is not a drill folks, you heard it here first. All you gossiping grandmonthers can kiss my ass. P5

Richard Park is the #1 most sought after player at the trade deadline this year. I am hearing to get him a team will have to trade their next 5 first round picks. This is so worth it though as a team can only have a very small window of competing for the Stanley Cup. I believe the Flyers will acquire Park but will only have to give up a 6th rounder. Only because a Flyers 6th rounder is worth more than any other team's first rounder. Seriously folks, WTF? This is not a drill and quit throwing tennis balls at my gossiping grandmother! She has tourettes syndrome for crying in the night! P5

Places Shania Twain wanted me to take her on a date before I rejected her because I already had a fake girlfriend...

Mud Wrestling Midget Madness with Theoren Fleury P5
Bryan Murray microphone spitting contest P4
Brian Burke Anger Management Therapy P3
Sloppy Second Sasquatch Hairy Women Night with Sean Avery P2
Captain Kangaroo Ken Hitchcock IHOP Relay P1

Here is a recent video of Eklund with one of his Gossiping Grandmothers. Enjoy...

My Team Canada Picks, Me and Shania Twain...P5

Hi folks. I have come up with my very own Team Canada picks. I am sure that Steve Yzerman and company will copy each one of my selections. I will also compare the players to great Canadian hockey players of the past. Here goes...

Mike Richards: He is simply the best hockey player in the game today and perhaps even the best hockey player of all time. He will score alot of goals for Canada and will dominate doing it. He is Wayne Gretzky.

Sidney Crosby: He is an elite level player with a Cup ring. He will be counted on to be Canada's go to guy after the great Mike Richards. He is Mario Lemieux.

Jonathan Toews: He can do it all. The complete hockey player. He is Steve Yzerman.

Joe Thornton: Canada needs a choker who the entire country can blame if things go bad. He is Eric Lindros.

Jarome Iginla: He adds the physical dimension Canada needs to challenge the Americans for gold. He is Brendan Shanahan.

Milan Lucic: He is another physical forward who is just coming into his own. He is Cam Neely.

Brenden Morrow: He is an energy guy who can hit anything that moves. He is Mark Messier.

Marty St. Louis: He is small but can really fire a team up with his magic. He is Guy Lafleur.

Steve Stamkos: He is very young but has all the tools to dominate. He is Joe Sakic.

Jeff Carter: He has natural goal scoring ability and can do it anytime he wants to. He is Mike Bossy.

Eric Staal: Even though he is injured right now, he will be a key component for Canada. He is Dale Hawerchuk.

Dany Heatley: He is the best pure goal scorer in the game. He is Steve Shutt.

Vinny Lecavalier: Even though he is struggling right now, Vinny will rise to the occassion and be a force. He is Jean Beliveau.

Scott Niedermayer: He is a 4 time Cup winner who excels in pressure situations. He is Bobby Orr.

Chris Pronger: He is at his best on the smalller ice where he can lay a beating on his opponents. He is Larry Robinson.

Shea Weber: Offense, defense, you name it he can do it. He is Doug Harvey.

Duncan Keith: He may just be the best dman on the planet. He is Denis Potvin.

Brent Seabrook: He may just be the second best dman on the planet. He is Brad Park.

Dan Boyle: He has a Cup ring and will be hungry for Olympic Gold. He is Al Macinnis.

Drew Doughty: He is very young but oh man what a player. He is Ray Bourque.

Martin Brodeur: He has won everything and will win again. He is Patrick Roy.

Roberto Luongo: He has been waiting for this his entire life. He is Ken Dryden.

Marc-Andre Fleury: A Cup ring already won, now he gets a shot at Olympic Gold. He is Bernie Parent.

You know folks I once dated Shania Twain before she became famous. Who's bed were my skates under you ask? Well Shania Twain's of course. You see this was before my fake fam. Before my ball licking dog named Sean Avery and Buzz Light Beer. Seriously folks, WTF? Are the Canucks the only team who can beat the Caps in a 7 game series? Why is Malkin so god damned tired all the time? He only scored 98 points in 20 playoff games last year. He could do so much more. This is my house and I rule. Now give me all your money! P5

Here is an old video of Eklund singing with Shania Twain before she became famous. Actually, Eklund wrote this song himself. Shania Twain gave him all her money for the rights. Enjoy...

Malkin was not dominant last playoffs. Can he be dominant in the next playoffs?

Evgeni Malkin was not himself in last year's Pens run to the Cup. He just wasn't. During the Flyers/Pens series he looked out of gas and was thoroughly outplayed by Mike Richards. The only reason the Pens beat the Flyers was because of shit luck. P5

Malkin is looking very dominant this year. Even though he won the Conn Smythe Trophy(it really should have gone to Mike Richards) I get the feeling there is MORE to get from GINO. I talked recently with JS Giguere as I moved cables from his house so he could get the paper...and he told me this...Malkin is the best player in the league but he could be so much better if he really wanted to. Now this ties into the Hawks re-signing Keith, Toews and Kane. If the Hawks are able to keep all 3, I am hearing a big deal could be going down involving Malkin. P3

I am hearing from many of my sources that Crosby and Malkin cannot co-exist in the Pens locker room. The Flyers are the best team in the East right now and the Devils are the worst. The Pens will not make the playoffs. So will they have a fire sale? Who goes? Do the Canucks get a guy like Fedotenko so they can beat the Caps in a 7 game series? Seriously friends, WTF? This is my house and I am telling you all that Malkin is hated by all his teammates. He did not show up at all against the Wings and was totally out of gas. Max Talbot was the Pens MVP and Malkin was nowhere to be found. P2

I am hearing that the Avs are talking about signing Forsberg and Markus Naslund. The Avs are a team to be feared in the West and they are not a fluke. Rumblings in my stomach are confirming this and it is gaining steam each minute I bullshit all of you. The Leafs, Habs and any other team which gets the most hits on my site are all rumoured to be in on getting Vinny Lecavalier from Tampa. He is not doing very well and may not even make Team Canada. I am hearing that there is a very good chance that Mike Richards may be the captain of Team Canada. It makes so much sense to name the best hockey player in the world the captain of Team Canada. I am also hearing that Van Riemsdyk could be the Americans captain. He is that GOOD folks and should win Rookie of the year. Tavares is struggling with the Isles and he should go back to junior. P3

Talks have been going back and forth between Brian Burke and Kevin Lowe the past week. Apparently Burke wants Penner and Lowe wants Ponikorovsky. This deal could happen today or tomorrow or never at all. It depends on which GM is willing to run their franchise into the ground first. Burke is also talking to Sharks GM, Doug Wilson about a possible Hagman for Marleau swap. It makes so much sense and it could put the Sharks over the top in the West. Do not stay tuned...P1

The Habs really want to make a big deal but right now I cannot reveal anything my made up sources are telling me. I am told that I CAN tell you this...Gainey was recently heard on the phone talking with someone from Phoenix. He was also on twitter talking with someone from Dallas. A possible 3 way trade maybe? Just off the top of my head it could be something like this. Bryzgalov. Price. Neil. Nothing is imminent...P4

Some quick hit BS rumours...

Kaberle to Habs P4, Rangers P3, Sens P2, Sabres P1
Schenn to Oilers P4, Flames P3, Jets P2, Rockies P1
Brunnstrom to Pens P4, Pens P3, Pens P2, Pens P1
Doughty to Habs P4, Rangers P3, Flyers P2, Isles P1
Tavares to Leafs P4, Habs P3, Bruins P2, Rangers P1

Right now I am on the pĥone with all 30 GM's at the same time and I cannot confirm anything at this moment. Many deals go down on Friday so people do not kill themselves. Many deals go down on Sunday so people do not kill themselves. Some deals go down after people kill themselves. So when someone kills themself, a deal may or may not go down. But just remember this. You heard it here first! Do not stay tuned. Nothing is imminent. No more to come later. Malkin was not very good in last year's playoffs. P4

Here is a video of Eklund in his all new debut HOCKEY BUZZ SWINE FLU VIDEO. Enjoy...